It Goes On
by helloalexwinn
Summary: Waking up and continuing on can be the hardest thing to do.


I've been working on this story for a while, and originally I'd wanted to get it up before the release of _Crooked Kingdom_. Obviously that didn't happen, but I'm still going to post it because the book took a different route (and I loved it) and I like this piece. Hopefully you will enjoy it as well.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Leigh Bardugo.

* * *

He wasn't real.

Inej stared at the figure of Kaz Brekker hunched over in the chair beside her stiff cot. He looked exhausted — his cane propped against his knee, several locks of hair tumbling into his face, dark circles beneath his eyes — yet oddly relieved at the same time, as if something had gone incredibly right after days of incredibly wrong.

 _He got his kruge_ , Inej thought. _But not me_.

The thought settled heavily in Inej's body, from her head to her heart to her stomach to her toes. The Saints must have imagined this dream to be a gift to her — an image of Kaz, alive and well and relieved; he had what he wanted and now there was some semblance of peace within him. Perhaps the Saints were right and it _was_ a gift — she'd devoted herself long ago to this man, noted the dark secrets that never left him, and had vowed to be there the day they disappeared. Now they had, and even if she wasn't there physically, she was still a witness.

Even so, the thought that he'd left her behind after she'd given him so much left a tang of bitterness in her mouth.

Was he really to blame to begin with? She'd given him an ultimatum, and when he'd chosen, she'd made her own choice as well. She'd walked away. And when they'd met Van Eck, they hadn't know their plan would go awry. There were suspicions, and an understanding to expect the unexpected, so was Kaz really to blame for her abduction? There'd been a chance of death in their meeting with Van Eck — wasn't going with him the same as being willing to die for him?

 _Does it matter?_ she thought. _The point is he didn't come for me._

She felt stupid for having put her trust in him. Had she ever known him at all? She'd always prided herself as being the one he shared the most with, and yet she had dared to dream that he would come after her instead of the kruge.

"You're a damn fool, Inej," she whispered. Her vision turned blurry, but Inej forced herself to focus on Kaz, to focus on the dream before he was gone forever and she was back in that stone prison, waiting for death.

Through tear-coated eyes, she watched as he shifted in his chair, awakening within her dream. The Saints were being too kind, giving her a chance to talk to him, to dream his response from her wildest fantasies. Perhaps this was the Saints warning her that today would be her last — that when she woke it wouldn't be for long, and her next sleep would be eternal. This was her last chance to see Kaz, to see him both as she remembered him and as she wished him.

This was her last chance to think of Kaz Brekker and hope that he found peace.

"Inej?" She smiled at the rasp in his voice. At least in her dreams he sounded the same. At least he was still Kaz.

She watched as alertness overtook his face, the lines creasing and his eyes widening, and decided that though she had dreamed of Kaz a thousand times in a thousand ways, this time she wanted to remember him solely as the man she knew.

"Inej," he repeated, leaning closer to her. "Are you awake? Can you say something?"

She shook her head, devastation settling in her heart. There were a million things she wanted to say to him, but nothing words could accurately described. She was happy he got his money and angry that he'd betrayed her for it. She was sad she'd never see him in person again but relieved he'd never see her body broken and lifeless. She was in love with him, and understood that he could never be without his armor, not even for her.

" _Inej_ ," he said, but froze when she reached out her hand and cupped his cheek. The stillness of him was exactly as she remembered, terrified and uncomfortable, and Inej let herself enjoy touching him.

She stared at him until her eyes stung and all there was left to do was close them and hope her next life would be as kind.

* * *

Jesper was in her next dream.

 _Perhaps this is death_ , she thought. _Perhaps I'm already gone and the Saints are giving me my final farewells._

"Inej?" he asked, when he noticed her open eyes.

"Jesper," she murmured. Her throat felt as if it'd been scraped raw and filled with jagged stones, making breathing painful and speaking that much worse. But the Saints were blessing her with the chance to say goodbye, and if they wanted her to hurt during it, she would endure.

"You're awake," he murmured in astonishment, before leaping to his feet and grinning. "Inej! You're awake!"

She didn't have time to speak before he threw open the door and took off into the void, shouting all the way. Perhaps he was warning the Saints that this was his time with her and they could all wait while she and Jesper spoke. His wicked grin upon return implied as much.

But then Nina burst through the door after him, her hair wild and her cheeks flushed, and Inej tried not to curse the Saints for making her say goodbye to her closest friends at once. Instead, she focused on the unbridled joy erupting from Nina like a volcano, and how the other girl's arms were wrapping around her and pulling her tight before Inej could even blink. The hug hurt, the red lines on her back screaming in protest and her arms threatening to break or fracture, but she didn't dare break away from Nina. Not in her last moments.

She'd been so focused on Nina and the hug that she hadn't heard Wylan or Mattias enter, but when she peeked over Nina's shoulders, they were there with relief on their faces. For a fraction of a second, Inej let a different thought enter her mind, one that said this was not her final goodbyes but… no. She crushed the hope like a pesky fly.

Instead, she noted that Kaz was not with them.

 _You had your chance_ , her mind said. Inej pushed the thought away, choosing to focus on her friends one last time, Kaz Brekker be damned. Wylan's face had been restored to normal, his golden curls toppling over his ears and his blue eyes eager, and Mattias, his shoulders slumping more than normal, looked more relaxed than Inej could've ever imagined possible for a Fjerdan. And though Jesper was still smiling, Inej could see the barest trace of guilt in his eyes.

"Well?" Nina asked, drawing Inej's attention back to her. "Aren't you going to say anything, Inej?"

One by one she met their eyes, but her stomach clenched and her mind whirled as realization slowly invaded the crevices of her body like feet digging into sand. It wasn't until she found Mattias's eyes that the thought — no, the hope — returned fully, and Inej let it sink into her mind. Because it wasn't concern, or confusion, or guilt in his eyes.

It was understanding.

Because he once had the same thought that she had now. That it was not death beckoning before her, but life.

Inej blinked once, twice, before twisting enough to hang over the side of her cot and heave what little she had in her stomach.

* * *

She was lying on the uncomfortable cot, burrowed deep into the blankets when Kaz opened the door. Inej didn't shift beneath her blankets, didn't bother to acknowledge him. She'd ordered everyone else away from her bedside — she was not afraid to order Kaz away too. Not after everything she'd gone through.

"Go away, Kaz," she said before he could settle in a seat. She didn't bother opening her eyes or turning to face him — she could hear every movement he made perfectly.

Kaz paused, but he didn't turn away, either.

"Your investment is fine," she snapped. "Leave."

He didn't. His cane echoed in the cabin as he moved towards the chair, and both he and the chair groaned when he sat down. _His leg is particularly bad today_ , Inej thought, then scowled. She wasn't supposed to be noting things like that. She wasn't supposed to get attached again.

"You've made your decision, Kaz. You don't owe me anything."

Silence settled in the cabin, wrapping them snugly in its embrace. Inej didn't turn and Kaz didn't speak, but they'd never needed words before to communicate. They understood the subtleties of each other. Kaz Brekker may have been an enigma in the deepest parts of his soul, but the day to day face and just a little beyond, those parts of him Inej had mapped better than the streets of Ketterdam.

"Thank you for the hat," he said quietly. His silence may have illustrated a point, but there were still things she needed to hear.

Inej fought against her sobs until she fell asleep.

* * *

Her first trip to the top of the deck was nothing short of painful. Every step sent lightning through her body, a violent current of pain and suffering courtesy of Jan Van Eck. She suspected Kaz had greater plans for the demise of Jan Van Eck, but if she was going to be part of this take down, she wanted at least one shot with her knife. She'd even promise not to aim for his head, heart, or any major artery.

Like before, Jesper was at her side in an instant, ready to carry her weight if she grew too tired. Their walk along the deck was slow, but not leisurely. If she was to be part of Kaz's scheme — and she was certain her role was nothing short of insane — she had to get better and it had to be quick. Her body needed to heal, but time wasn't on their side.

Kaz valued his investments. She didn't want to know what he planned to do if she couldn't do what he asked.

"What'd you say to Kaz?" Jesper asked as they began their third lap. Wylan grinned as they passed him again. He was working on something, going back and forth with Kuwei about possibilities and probabilities, but he still made sure to smile at Inej and quietly cheer her on. It'd be hard to leave him behind.

Inej shrugged. "The truth."

Jesper regarded her for a long moment, his features stretched thin. "That must've been some truth," he murmured, shaking his head. He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "His mood is even worse than before we rescued you."

Inej glanced at the upper deck, her eyes meeting Kaz's for a split second before she turned back to Jesper and said, loudly enough for Kaz to hear on the upper deck, "I don't see why. He's always been a champion for harsh truths over kind lies."

She didn't need to see Kaz scowl and walk away. She felt it in the pit of her stomach.

* * *

It took her several days to approach Kaz. Their voyage at sea was unending, leaving Inej with a limited selection of escape routes. Perhaps that had been part of Kaz's plan — keep her in a contained area until she calmed down so that she could help him with his newest scheme before leaving him for good.

She found her position beside him easily enough — it was as if a tiny bubble had been carved from the universe directly beside Kaz that only Inej could fill. Yet there was something in standing beside him like that, standing in her spot, that felt, for the first time, wrong. She'd given up this position. She'd given up this life. She'd given up him.

Inej stood a step away from her usual spot. "Where are we going?"

Kaz shrugged. If her standing in a different spot bothered him, he didn't how it. "Shu Han, first." Inej hummed quietly, already debating her options when Kaz added: "And then Ravka."

It was hard to keep the shock of her face, the hope from clamoring through her heart. Were they truly planning to go to Ravka, or was he just saying this to keep Inej at his side? Had he anticipated her warring thoughts when he said Shu Han and known to say her home after? Was that his plan? Or did he truly intend on going to Ravka?

Kaz typically didn't bluff.

"Why?" It wasn't the most elegant of questions, but it was the only word her mind could coherently form.

Another shrug. "Kuwei wants to go to Ravka."

Silence lapsed between them again, and Inej couldn't figure out if it was a new development or if she'd never noticed it before. Their partnership had never relied heavily on speaking, but the quiet between them had always been comfortable. This felt like a beast waiting to strike.

It was Kaz who broke it. "Did he hurt you?"

The words came out stilted and brittle, more vulnerable than she'd ever heard from him. It was a question he had to ask, one he needed to know as her superior, but his tone said he didn't want to ask. Inej let herself briefly think she wasn't just an investment before shutting the thought away.

Once it was gone, Inej concentrated at keeping her hands at her sides. Her muscles still ached and there were a handful of nasty bruises from where Van Eck had used a bat against her, but nothing was broken. She was still whole.

Inej shook her head, watched the disbelief settle in Kaz's eyes before something else took its place.

"You thought I wouldn't rescue you." Not a question.

Inej bit her lip. "Hope was all I had," she said at last. "I couldn't waste it."

Kaz's eyes flickered, but he nodded all the same.

"I thought you didn't like sickbeds," Inej said. She knew now that seeing him hadn't been a dream or a gift from the Saints, but reality. He'd been at her side, waiting for her to wake up.

"I don't," he said. Inej waited for him to continue, but his jaw was set, his eyes guarded. He didn't want to speak about it — probably didn't want to speak about any of this — but she had to know. She needed closure.

"Why did you come, Kaz?"

The question was multilayered and a bit unfair, Inej knew that. It was like asking for waffles at a pub, or praying to a rain god for a sunny day. She could already hear the answer: _because I needed you for this job_. It was a stupid question, an obvious one, but she needed closure all the same. She needed to hear the words, to let them break her heart with chilling finality.

But he'd surprised her by saving her. He could surprise her again.

Kaz looked at her, his dark eyes bright and transparent for once. The words that he could never bring himself to say greeted her with the fear he never let show. Inej's heart stuttered in her chest as she absorbed it all calmly, carefully, and let her eyes tell him that his secrets were safe with her.

He didn't need to say anything at all.

* * *

Thanks for reading everyone! As always, please review and favorite because it makes each day better!


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